I am hardXXXcore

As the title suggests, I reached one of those critical times that I wanted to put on a show of force. I had been roped into running in a mud run. These are novelty races which while usually not being long on distance, are filled with obstacles. While I write "novelty" these are not for anyone unprepared (read as out of shape). Maybe what should have been concerning was the last minute email that I received which said to wear gloves and socks above the ankle to prevent rope burn.

Race day arrived. I am normally never up early on a weekend except for 2 reasons and one of them is money. The race itself was at the world famous Raceway Park (of hilarious chipmunk voiced commercial fame). It promised a run through a muddy motorcross track, among other challenges. I met up with the rest of my team and we signed in. The race crew were extremely disorganized and nobody could find the bag check area. After my own fruitless search, I settled on locking my bag in my car and hiding my keys under a wheel well.

Now onto focussing my mind on running. I had signed up for a 9:00 start with the rest of my team. I lined up as the time was called for, but noticed noone from my team was there. I decided they would just have to catch up later. The gun went off and off I went.

We started off on a race track. The melted tar and rubber made my feet stick to the ground and tore pieces of my soles off. A half mile later and I was still running on the track. I was beginning to get into my running groove. I started wondering where the obstacles were. We then veered off the track into the woods and found... Water!! I did not sign up for this. One by one we all jumped into what appeared to be a lake of algae and mud. Shoes became a liability as they made me too bouyant. I flailed away with my crawl stroke and was barely making progress. I reached the other side of the lake and my lungs burned. I could not even cough. I started running again once I crawled through a sewer pipe at the bank of the lake. A quarter of a mile later, I was met by a 15 foot platform and had to hoist myself up using a rope. More water, just what I signed up for. My heart at this point felt like it was going to explode. I was already waterlogged and dirty. Kersplash. Off I went back into the drink after jumping off the platform. The new challenge was swimming under barrels which were wrapped in barbed wire. My lungs resigned themselves to being in permanent pain at this point and stopped complaining to me.

I reached the other side of the lake without incident and took off running again. The new challenge was vaulting over sewer pipes of increasing sizes. Now my calves were starting to cramp. It was only a bit over 1 mile. One quarter of a mile later, I found myself carefully balancing myself on a log and crossing a mud pit 15 feet below me. I then crawled through mud under more barbed wire. Now my arms were beginning to complain. Luckily there was another quarter of a mile run to torture my legs and give my arms and shoulders a rest. I then encountered 3 walls of increasing heights to vault. The 7 foot wall was easy to clear, the 9 foot one was fairly challenging and the 12 foot one caused my entire body to cramp. The next challenge were metal bars I had to vault to the top of and slide down on my back.

At this point my lungs had turned in their walking papers. My calves were at their breaking points as well. It had only been 2 miles. I was wondering how my teammates were doing. They were not runners and did not exercise on a regular basis. I noticed that even when I was able to run, it was never straight and never on solid ground. I trudged through a soggy motorcross track where I was sprayed with sprinklers. I climbed a ladder onto a slide where I was pitched into more mud. I then went to crawl under more barbed wire. Halfway through, I felt white lightning through my skull. I went face-first into the mud. The stream of curses was impressive. I stopped and then looked around me. This barbed wire is electrified and there are dangling wires randomly throughout. I dug myself deeper into the mud. Slowly I advanced. I still managed to get shocked on the calf. It caused it to spasm nicely. Flintstones chewable morphine was the only thought on my mind now. It made the climb over a few walls of nets and run through more mud pits more bearable.

Once I finally crossed the finish line, I was rope burned on my arms and ankles. I was covered in mud and realized I ran the entire race with water in my ear that had never come out. I looked for the shower stations to hose off and of course they were not where the race organizers said they were and I had to search for a while. After hosing off and changing, I met the rest of my team an hour later. It turned out they walked the entire course. Well at least I have a t-shirt.